https://goo.gl/3YRv5r
A seismic shift has taken place in the world of many sexual assault victims: their experiences no longer feel like dirty little secrets that must be hidden from view. The “#MeToo” movement has become a powerful tool for women (and men) of sound mind to come forward and share their trauma. And society, by and large, has been extremely supportive. But I can’t help wondering if the same support would exist for those victims who are not necessarily of sound mind?
I am mentally ill. I have been under a psychiatrist’s care since age twelve. I was raped at fourteen. The former makes the latter twice as hard.
First there’s the intensified paranoia. I was already having issues with feeling unsafe before the assault – I would obsessively check the locks of my home. After the rape, I had to check them multiple times, convinced something terrible would happen if I didn’t. My hallucinations became more violent — and uncomfortably sexual for a young teenager. My depression increased tenfold. My medications didn’t seem to help the same way they did before. But this wasn’t the worst part — the worst part was the forgetting.
Officially, it’s called retrograde amnesia. I stuffed the whole memory deep inside of me and didn’t remember again for eight years. And then I remembered all at once. The fear, the pain, the blood. And I wished nothing more than to forget again.
When a woman is raped, there are already questions about whether or not she is telling the truth. It’s one of the hardest things any survivor is up against. When she is mentally ill, skepticism increases. And if that mentally ill girl and has only just recently remembered her assault, it’s almost a joke. I could have made it up for attention – need for attention is part and parcel of my bipolar disorder. I could have hallucinated the whole memory – I’ve hallucinated many things before. It could be a delusion from my paranoia.