Sexual abuse is like any abuse in that it is an exploitation of power. And when you rely on others to literally keep you alive and assist you around the clock, the exploitation of power can be an all too common occurrence.
When I first moved away from my home and parents to attend college at the University of Iowa, I was suddenly thrown into a position of placing my trust in the hands of about eleven different female students who I hired to get me up in the morning, get me dressed, help me use the bathroom, get me to and from class, eat, and any other activities I needed assistance with throughout the day and night. This was not the first time I had hired caregivers taking care of me, but this was the first time I relied on people paid to take care of me 24/7.
Disabled writer and activist Mia Mingus talks about “forced intimacy,” the concept that those with disabilities have to bare themselves both emotionally and physically, whether they wish to or not, in order to get access to basic, quality care. The fact that I often have to get naked during a new helper’s first shift is evidence of this. It’s not something I care about one way or the other – it’s just the reality of relying on others to help you use the bathroom, shower, and get dressed. Still, to say such instances make me hyper aware of my unique position and vulnerability is an understatement.
Over the course of my year, I began to dread the times when one of my helpers worked. She acted like everything I asked her to do was a burden, and when I would confront her about slacking on some things or the general feeling of discomfort, she would tell me that I expected too much from my helpers. The power dynamic of a situation can vary based on context. I don’t know what a similar situation would look like between two employees in a general workspace, but I do know it wouldn’t have as high of stakes as this same interaction between someone who depends on another to physically care for them and the one who is being paid to do so.
I never feared for my physical safety, which, when looked at in the scope of national statistics, I suppose I am reminded to be thankful for. But I did fear speaking up about being made to feel belittled and ungrateful, because I knew that realistically, I had to keep her on as a helper for the rest of the year, as no one else could fill her shifts. This same helper was also employed by my neighbor and had once refused to help this student use the bathroom. When I brought this to the attention of the agency, they did nothing. I don’t think I ever consciously feared her doing the same thing to me, but deep down, I knew that I had to be careful not to upset the already skewed balance of power between us.